1 Samuel 1:27-28
27 I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. 28 So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD.” And he worshiped the LORD there.
I’ve gone back and forth on whether to make a post on this subject. On one hand its personal, it hurts, and wrecks my heart. On the other hand, God is good, merciful, present, and deserves the glory even in our heartbreak.
About 8 weeks ago, we found out I was pregnant. After our initial fears subsided (high risk pregnancy, etc.), we were super excited about it. The girls were even more excited about it.
May 30 was our first ultrasound. “There’s no heartbeat”: three words that no parent wants to hear. 20 days later and those words still shake me to my core. But God has shown up. In friends sending cards, making dinner, cleaning our house. HE has shown up in the quiet moments. On June 9, I gave birth to a sweet little baby. We named him Samuel Enoch. Samuel because God heard our prayers and because he will spend his life with Jesus. Enoch because he escaped death and it means dedicated.
As hard as this month has been, we have had peace and joy in it. Our sweet baby will never experience the good of this world. We will never feel his sweet hand on our face as we rock him to sleep. But he will never experience the sin of this world. He will get to praise God every day for eternity, think about that blessing. We have the hope and promise through Jesus of seeing him one day.
I share our heartbreak because despite the sorrow in this, I believe God has a plan for things. I also believe to many women experience this and grieve in silence. 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. I believe it’s a trauma.
“The cultural language surrounding miscarriage is careful and politically correct, and despite its best intentions, it leaves many parents conflicted about the appropriateness of their feelings and without words to process their experience. Words like “fetus” and “pregnancy loss” do not validate their grief over a baby who existed and is now gone.
The language we use creates a framework for explaining what has happened. So, when that framework implies that the loss was anything less than a living human being, parents may try to reason away their tears or at least hurry past them, because culture is telling them that this is the loss of a dream rather than the loss of a child.”
Today’s Christian Woman
We buried our sweet Samuel. I wept. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. To bury your child is unimaginable. I imagine the scene at the cross was so much more unbearable. To a God who has never been separated from his child, to watch him die. The love that comes from that. The love the God displayed. It’s indescribable.
But as always, our story doesn’t end there. On Sunday, I started to have bad cramps/contractions in the evening. Late that night, I started to hemorrhage. We left for the hospital at 2:45am with two little girls. Nate dropped me off at the front door, since OB triage is right there, to park and get the girls in the stroller. We forgot that it would likely be locked. I almost passed out and collapsed on the ground and security came running out. Nate got there seconds after with the girls and he ran to OB triage as security pushed me in a wheelchair. My blood pressure was 62/40. Thankful that we felt the need to leave and get to the hospital. After 30 minutes of procedures, they did an ultrasound and found that my entire uterus was full of blood clots and I hadn’t passed all the placenta. The staff told me with my blood pressure being so low, the loss of blood, and the dizziness I needed an emergency D&C surgery.
The best part of this. How big of a God do we serve?! They lay your arms out on the table and the staff asked me about my tattoo that means God is my strength. To God be the glory, even in our suffering. In a room full of people surrounding me, HE gets the Glory. 2 Corinthians 12:99 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
So I am sad and my heart is heavy. But I have a peace that comes only from Him. For He is good. And He has promised me hope and a future. I know that our sweet boy is in heaven with a heavenly Father I can’t wait to meet one day. So, I will love you sweet boy, until the day I meet you in heaven.